The kudzu has already grown in. I remember it not being until July usually, but I could just be imagining. The sticky-hot of summer is full upon the house. It soaks up the heat and humidity all day and remains claustrophobic at night despite open windows and fans. The afternoon thunderstorm brings out the fireflies flickering in the black backdrop of the trees outside. I felt these same sensations as I walked up and down our street last night trying to get Mason to fall asleep, much like I did a year ago, trying to work through my labor.
The most distinct words I remember after a day of blurred pain and memories is the nurse yelling "TIME?" The brief moment when 25+ hours was over and the next 50+ years lay ahead.
To think that just a year ago the squirmy little worm who could barely open his eyes is now the wriggly little boy that refuses to go to bed now because there is so much to do. That first night when everything calmed down and Michael had fallen asleep at 1am, it finally hit me - I had to take care of a baby and couldn't go to bed until he was a asleep...even though I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was crash for 12 hours. For the next couple of weeks, the revelation slowly seeped into my psyche and I realized how much my life had changed.
In the past year Mason has learned how to move his arms, legs, hands, and head, roll, sit, crawl, stand, cruise, and almost walk. He's fallen asleep on me, dad, on car rides, in the Ergo and stroller, in our bed, and the crib (just a few times). Cries that were once (as my pediatrician phrased it) "survival mode" (i.e. "Feed me, for god's sake!") are now more pointed and represent different moods and a bit of bossiness (i.e. "Stop working and play with me, dammit!")
He's travelled from the Atlantic to the Pacific, seen snow and touched redwoods. He has eaten eggs, tuna, cheese, beans, fruit, spinach, bread, a fair share of dog hair, almond butter, and a smidge of chocolate and whip cream (not intentionally, we aren't that kind of parent - he stuck his fingers in our chocolate tart) and gone from 8 lbs, 8 oz to at least 25 lbs. wearing 18-24 month clothes. We've been through four colds, the flu, croup, poison ivy, several mosquito bites, a small bout of hives (from tofu), and just one cut finger when trimming his nails.
He has smiled, frowned, cooed, screamed, hollered, yelped, squealed, chirped, wailed, buzzed, pinged, droned, and perfected the incredulous scowl. He proudly sports 6 teeth (four on top, two on the bottom) and a mohawk with curly/frizzy hair on the back of his very large head. He can hold two blocks and bang them together and strum the strings of a guitar. He loves wheels and giving big open-mouthed kisses. He cruises around all furniture and human legs and is newly obsessed with a lawnmower-type walker (a gift, NOT purchased!) He has gotten very adept at using the on/off button of our receiver and still hums himself to sleep.
I don't know what to feel, but mostly it's melancholy that the little baby I had a year ago is growing up and he will never be that small, helpless, needy, and new ever again. I think of what he'll be doing birthdays down the road, when instead of opening and closing a musical card over and over because it's the most amazing discovery, he'll be doing keg stands (in college, we hope!) or celebrating in another country as he backpacks through Europe for a summer. We spent so much time looking forward to his big developments (even encouraging them), not realizing that too quickly, he will be going off to school, then leaving our house for college, then moving out on his own only to visit a few times a year. What small moments we've experienced in the past year are just a flicker in his life - moments that only we will remember, moments that are just small steps to becoming a human being.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
A year ago today...
For the past two weeks I have been thinking to myself..."what was I doing a year ago today?" The answer has been, over and over, "still waiting."
The days after my due date (May 28th) kept going on an on and on and I remember wondering if this baby was ever going to decide to be born (though my midwife frankly stated he couldn't stay in there forever). It was a little depressing - wondering if something was wrong with me or him - and not really knowing when it would actually happen. But a year ago today, I was 12 days over due and finally decided to get things going by drinking a caster oil cocktail at 11:30 in the morning.
I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I went into labor. I couldn't fathom what contractions would feel like, what "sleepless nights" would be, or how being a mom would change me completely. I just knew that walking around at 175 lbs really made my feet and back hurt, I was tired of peeing all night long, and I couldn't wait to meet nameless-baby.
By this point, I had organized everything possible in the house. Michael and I had purged basement excess and taken a full car-load of stuff to Goodwill. I had even categorized all of my CD collection. My days were marked by my daily dose of Zantac to keep my heartburn at bay and non-stop Project Runway marathons. The garden had been tilled and planted, all the birthing supplies had been purchased, and groceries (namely my obsession with Sprite and baby carrots) were stocked. By all logistical counts I was ready for the baby, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
I had dutifully taken the Birthing and Breastfeeding classes, read all types of birth and labor books from "Transitioning to Parenthood" to "Birthing from Within" to "What to Expect, when your Expecting," watched labor films, talked to other mothers, read the blogs, and honed in on my positive birthing affirmation ("my body knows how to give birth and I will let it"). I knew the holistic approach to labor and traditional, had thought about a birthing plan, but never written it down, and thought I was "ready."
None of my research even scratched the surface of reality - how could it? How can someone write or explain exactly what labor feels like since it is a different experience for every woman? How could a book describe 24 hours of labor, an anterior lip, an occiput posterior baby, and a head circumference of 14"?
A year ago today was the last time Michael and I slept alone in our bed. A year ago today I could get out of the house in 5 minutes (that's with the 42-week waddle!) A year ago today the only thing that fit was a red tank top and XL shorts. A year ago today it was all about me...I was not yet a mother and my life was about to change...for the better.
The days after my due date (May 28th) kept going on an on and on and I remember wondering if this baby was ever going to decide to be born (though my midwife frankly stated he couldn't stay in there forever). It was a little depressing - wondering if something was wrong with me or him - and not really knowing when it would actually happen. But a year ago today, I was 12 days over due and finally decided to get things going by drinking a caster oil cocktail at 11:30 in the morning.
I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I went into labor. I couldn't fathom what contractions would feel like, what "sleepless nights" would be, or how being a mom would change me completely. I just knew that walking around at 175 lbs really made my feet and back hurt, I was tired of peeing all night long, and I couldn't wait to meet nameless-baby.
By this point, I had organized everything possible in the house. Michael and I had purged basement excess and taken a full car-load of stuff to Goodwill. I had even categorized all of my CD collection. My days were marked by my daily dose of Zantac to keep my heartburn at bay and non-stop Project Runway marathons. The garden had been tilled and planted, all the birthing supplies had been purchased, and groceries (namely my obsession with Sprite and baby carrots) were stocked. By all logistical counts I was ready for the baby, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
I had dutifully taken the Birthing and Breastfeeding classes, read all types of birth and labor books from "Transitioning to Parenthood" to "Birthing from Within" to "What to Expect, when your Expecting," watched labor films, talked to other mothers, read the blogs, and honed in on my positive birthing affirmation ("my body knows how to give birth and I will let it"). I knew the holistic approach to labor and traditional, had thought about a birthing plan, but never written it down, and thought I was "ready."
None of my research even scratched the surface of reality - how could it? How can someone write or explain exactly what labor feels like since it is a different experience for every woman? How could a book describe 24 hours of labor, an anterior lip, an occiput posterior baby, and a head circumference of 14"?
A year ago today was the last time Michael and I slept alone in our bed. A year ago today I could get out of the house in 5 minutes (that's with the 42-week waddle!) A year ago today the only thing that fit was a red tank top and XL shorts. A year ago today it was all about me...I was not yet a mother and my life was about to change...for the better.
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