I recently read a post on what exactly makes a successful marriage tick. Michael and I plunged from marriage into parenthood without really shifting out of our "honeymoon" phase and have had to (quickly, sometimes) negotiate the fine art of balancing the trials of being new parents with co-habitation. An idea I read that really resonated is to "Consciously focus on the good in one another." Appreciation is the lynch-pin to a happy, healthy relationship because is it how relationships all start. "We de-emphasize the negative and overemphasize the positive. Unfortunately, the scales shift to the opposite after we’re married."
This, I will admit, is an extremely hard thing for me to do. Well, I haven't yet tried, but it isn't something that comes naturally for me because, I believe, I (like many humans) am innately self-centered and forget that not only does another human life depend on me for everything, but another human life whom I chose to be with needs attention and appreciation. I assume that my husband knows I love him and forget to show him all the time. He (like many humans) needs to be taken care of, needs the occasional beer fetched, and some quality time with hockey and/or fellow males at Trivia Night, Poker Night, or band practice.
I will also admit that I nitpick because I am an obsessive perfectionist with myself and out of habit expect the same from others. When I leave the house it the morning, I want it tidy, which means the bed is made, the dishes are clean, the windows are shut (to keep that sultry summer humidity at bay), our dog has water, laundry is put away, and random clothes, hats, and shoes are picked up. I'm not talking about dust-free, smudge-free, germ-free house, just...tidy.
The root of my obsessive attention to detail lies in several life-altering experiences. First, the decision my parents made to have a Virgo child. Not consciously, of course, but I can partly blame the stars. Next, a job I had in college as a "Laundry Assistant" (truly the job title) for a very wealthy family of a Duke Business School professor, his stay-at-home wife and three spoiled kids. My job was to sort, wash, dry, iron, and re-distribute all of their laundry and also do some shopping and the occasional random chore (I recall taking their Land Rover in for service at one point.) I did not complain, I was making $10 an hour - more than I ever had in my life - to do one of the easiest jobs possible. Or so I thought. It turns out the wife was very specific about how she wanted everything done. Jeans had to be ironed with a pleat. Shirts had to be hung dry, not put in the dryer. Colors and whites HAD to be separated, etc, etc. Doing the mass quantities of laundry I did for a family of five who never wore an outfit more than a half a day, it seemed, made me quite efficient and systemized. Lastly, I worked as a Supervisor, then Manager for a resort spa, basically, as a Quality Assurance specialist. My job was to find every spec of dust, rust, dirt, oil, hair, bug, mold, grime, streak, smear, stain, mark, chip, tear, break, and spider web in a 40,000 square foot facility and fix it. Needless to say, I can not go into a room and not subconsciously zoom in on what is dirty or in disrepair. I am programmed!
Fast forward to our own sweet house and my own expectations of my husband. I forget that I am not in a work environment at home and assume that he cares as much as I do. I end up getting frustrated that he doesn't see what I see and jump up and down to make things perfect. I get so caught up in my head (think like Jason Bourne, but I am a cleaning, not killing machine) that I forget Michael is a normal person who doesn't obsess over the dishes that could be done later or the laundry that isn't going any where. And I forget that that is what makes our marriage great - that he gives me balance, helps me practice patience, and reminds me what it's really all about - and I need to appreciate that he isn't some smelly, belching sloth, but a pretty darn snappy guy who is a great father and husband. Yup, he's a keeper.
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